Chapter One - It's all very confusing

Behind a family picture, behind all the smiles and gentle touches lives a life of pain and sorrow.  A pretty picture masks the lies, the deceitful behaviour and the hatred deep within our hearts, the picture represents what we wish we had and how we want to be portrayed but every smile and every touch is every lie.

My name is Elizabeth Small; I’m in the picture next to my mother and Lydia – the youngest in our family. The one with the smile plastered on her face trying to hide my true feelings to the outside world. I am the eldest of 4 daughters to Mister and Misses small, otherwise known as mother and father to us. We live in a small rundown cottage outside of town where my father raises horses for the Duchess, Dukes, Lords and Lady’s houses; it doesn’t bring in too much money but just enough to get by the year with enough food and warmth. My sisters are Marsha, Lydia and Catherine; they’re more like triplets, they have an extremely close bond with each other. One that I never had let alone experienced. They were born just little over a year apart, it’s nice to see true friendship within this family and it slightly papers over the cracks that have appeared over the few years.

When I turned 16, I was told I would be married to a Lord Camden when I turned 18. This was all agreed by my father and Camden’s father, neither Camden nor I knew about it or even knew each other but it was to be done and I would become a Lady and therefore the pride of the Small family. “But mother!” I remember arguing, yelling angrily at my mother. I was 17 at the time and furious that I would be wed to a stranger.

“No. No buts Elizabeth.” She said and dragged me to my room while I was screaming, crying, yelling. That was when the cracks in our family began to show.  Sadly, I never fully forgave them. I was too ‘young’ in their eyes to make my own decisions, to naïve to find a husband and be able to look after myself.

Now, let me tell you about Lord Coe. He’s the son of the man my father works for mainly, he loves horses and literature and we bonded over them when he used to visit his horses. We got on until he was around his friends, when they were around I was the peasant girl who had to worship him, it broke my heart to see the person who I thought was my only friend was being so degrading, so mean to me because of my family’s money. He used to be so nice until that happened, we used to play by the river near his house. We used to laugh and run around; I was free around him because he treated me like a human being, not a servant like everyone else did – well until that day and I never wanted to speak to him again.

When he found out I was getting married he told me to meet him in his garden. Being the good young lady I was brought up to be, I went. How could I not? A lord requested my presence. The garden was stunning, it always was but they didn’t look after it themselves. They had gardeners by the dozen; I smelt the pink flowers and smiled slightly. I did love their garden with a passion; I loved nature and the feel it gave me. I stepped on to the huge house’s little balcony and looked out into the distance, I felt a warm hand being placed on my shoulder. I jumped backwards and turned around, my heart thumping 100 miles per hour. “Don’t marry him” Lord Coe mumbled, his eyes filled with sadness and jealousy. I could almost see them turning green with every moment that passed; I looked down at the floor not knowing what to say to Coe. “Please, Elizabeth. If you have any decency in your body you won’t marry him” His warm breath flowed across my face, I suddenly realised how cold it was outside. I shivered slightly and held my shoulders tightly; still my eyes were on the marble ground we both stood on.

“How can I not, my mother would kill me Sir?” I managed to find my voice after moments of awkward silence between us. I was marrying for my mother and father, they had 3 other girls to look after and I, being the eldest at 18 needed a husband to look after me. “I have to Lord Coe, I do. My mother would kill me if I failed to do so, I have no other option” I mumbled, rubbing my shoulders roughly to build up warmth on my naked arms.

“Don’t” Lord Coe stepped closer to me and stroked my cheek. An embrace only a husband should share with his wife “Please don’t. He’s only in it for the little money your parents have Elizabeth, he’s a horrible man. He’s already tried to marry my sister”

“Lady Mary?” I asked, interrupting him.

“Yes, Elizabeth, Lady Mary, I don’t want to see you get hurt. You’re too delicate to get hurt ” Coe stepped closer towards me and I panicked in that moment. I flinched out of his warm embrace. “Please” He begged, pulling my arm towards him. My body jerked and I stumbled towards him clumsily “Elizabeth. Please, I’ll give you money not to marry him”

This time, it was his words that hurt. “Money?” I nearly yelled, I could feel heart beat loudly in my chest. “I am not doing it for money Lord Coe, but for my family.” I didn’t want to speak to him anymore; he was infuriating, horrid and just another annoyance to my family and I didn’t want to over step the mark which separated the working class from the upper class. I bit down on my lip hard and looked into the distance “If you don’t mind Lord Coe, I believe I have to go now”

“I love you” He said so low, I thought I imagined it. “Elizabeth, please”

“I’m sorry” I said before running towards my horse “I’m sorry” I called out again.  I felt sick to my core; I had just left the well-respected Lord Coe while he was declaring his love for me.  A plain servant girl, someone who didn’t fit in with luxuries and riches but Lord Camden had swooped me off my feet, or more correctly saying, my swooped my parents off their feet. He offered them £100 annually if I became his wife, not much but it would help my family and so the wedding was arranged without my full permission.

Lord Camden is an extremely attractive bachelor whose parents live somewhere nearer London, he’s a very distant relative to Lord Coe. I still didn’t know too much about him, only his name, how he looks and who his parents are. But that’s all my parents cared about. I rode on my horse, galloping around town thinking about everything from what I will be expected to do once I married Lord Camden, what would life be life and how I would have to act. I didn’t want to change too much but it seemed as if that was what was going to happen and soon.

“I love you” Those words rang through my thoughts like the plague ran through the cities; I could see his face as I left. Why would he love me? I’m nothing special and yet I was blessed with two lords after my heart and yet, it belonged to neither and I wished it did. It'd make my life and my parents lives much easier.

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I came to a halt just before I got to the stables; something had scared Milly – My horse. I rubbed her main slowly and hushed her whimpering noises “What’s wrong girl?” I asked, trying to calm her down. She had never reacted like this; I began to panic myself slightly. “Shh” I continued to rub her main.

I looked around and saw a figure in the trees; I squinted and leaned forward trying to get a better view at the person who caused Milly to behave so worried and frightened. I patted her side and jumped off “Who’s there?” I called out, slowly walking towards the figure. Then I saw the messy blonde hair come into view, I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Silly girl” I rubbed her nose.

 “Go back to the stable” as I said that I slapped her rear and she ran towards the stables where my father was probably cleaning and Catherine was probably riding around on a horse, teaching them to jump agilely. Catherine had a gift with horses, every single horse we had she adored and they loved her back all the same. Father gave her the job of teaching them to be obedient before he sold them, teaching them a few tricks made them worth more which just helped the family get a little more than usual.

“Lord Camden?” I called out, plastering a happy smile on my face. He needed to think I wanted to be happy with him. I walked towards him quickly “Lord Camden?” I called out again; he turned and grinned at me. I looked down as our eyes met; we never have been alone with each other before. We usually have someone with us, my mother or sister or his sister. I was all too aware how awkward this was.

The wind seemed to pick up and the cool breeze soon turned into gales, I looked around and watched the trees sway in the wind. The rustling of the leaves was somewhat calming; I watched a few leaves fall into the lake behind us and slowly move down it. Lord Camden looked around me “Hello Elizabeth” Lord Camden said quietly “I was just admiring the scenery, It’s lovely here”

I stood in front of him, my eyes still on the ground below us “It really is beautiful here, I’m lucky to call this place my home” I nodded slightly, Lord Camden touched my arm. I flinched, unused to people touching me. I rubbed my arm and looked away again

“Sorry” He said, it sounded as if he was hurt by my actions. I shook my head.   “Look at me Elizabeth” I raised my eyes to meet his own. He had the most deep blue eyes; I guess that was the only real thing I admired him for. He wasn’t polite to my family, only to me and he was just not a very nice man in general but I hoped I would learn to love him. I would be marrying him soon, leaving my family to live with a man I couldn’t stand.

“I’m sorry Lord Camden, I’m just… Nervous right now” I crossed my arms over my chest

“You don’t have to be nervous around me, soon you’ll be my wife and there will be no reason to ever be nervous around me because we will be one.” Lord Camden stared at me; I looked to the right and sighed. He had to keep reminding me that soon, I would have to sleep with him and give him children so he can carry on his family’s name. I shuddered slightly at the thought.

“I know…” I said quietly, I didn’t want this to happen at all. I wanted to find the man I loved before I settled down.

“Why are you sad Elizabeth?” Lord Camden asked, not daring to touch me again. I stared at the grass that was blowing freely in the wind, as free as it could be. I was in envy of grass in that moment. I shook my head and rubbed my arms again, it was a habit when I was embarrassed or nervous. “Tell me, I am going to be your husband Elizabeth” It sounded more like a demand this time.

“I-I’m not sad, I’m just daydreaming.” I answered, lying through clenched teeth. He would hurt me if he knew the truth – which I didn’t want to be Lady Camden. I wanted to stay Elizabeth Small until I was ready and in love. “Daydreaming” I repeated, nodding at the grass.

“You will tell me if you’re unhappy?” Camden asked, staring at my neck and all I could do was nod in agreement knowing that if I spoke, he would know I was lying to him and I couldn’t be found to do that. If I wanted to be as happy as I could be in a loveless marriage I needed to make him think I was in love with him or he would make my life hell.

“Lord Coe?” I nearly yelled, my eyes bulging out of their sockets. What was he doing here?

“Elizabeth, I need to speak with you” Lord Coe said in what seemed to be an angry tone, Lord Camden touched my waist and it took all of my will not to flinch out of his embrace. I looked at Lord Camden and then back at Lord Coe.

“No. She stays with me.”